Stray Steps
I want to climb our front steps,
Sit and lean my right arm on the iron railing.
Lean back into that day
When Dad was to my left—
The other support to lean on.
Less than an hour before taking in the view of the street
My forehead and hands lowered a few inches onto my thirteen-year-old cat,
As the push of a needle pulled his last breath.
I had never bowed to a death under my palms before.
I had never bowed to cancer,
But it crossed my path that day.
I’m sorry kiddo, that’s tough, his eyes on the street.
The pavement turned pink with hats and shirts
As hundreds of breast cancer patients, survivors, and caretakers
Moved through their annual fundraising walk.
I imagined a temporary finish line hanging somewhere.
Their future steps stray steps—
Would they find leaning, healing, or a bow?
We waved to as many strangers as we could.
Years later, I park in a deserted parking lot.
I can’t climb our front steps,
Sit and lean my right arm on that iron railing.
Lean back into that day
When Dad was to my left—
It’s not ours to climb.
And Dad’s not here.
I bowed
To him, too.
Instead, I lean my right arm on the center console.
The pressure pushes against my breast through the sweatshirt
And with left palm, I cup the side of my ribcage and move my hand around.
I can feel the lump after all.
My future now filled with stray steps for the next 26 days.
Walking with the same Worry DNA as those in the fundraiser.
On day 27, I’ll learn it’s a cyst.
Instead of bowing, I’ll lean back
Inhale the last molecules of fear through my nose
And exhale gratitude, feeling its air above lips.
For a split second, I’ll swear I climbed our front steps.
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Brittany Capozzi is a yoga therapist (C-IAYT), writer, belly dancer, and the creator of Trust Fall Writing® based in Massachusetts. She received her Bachelor’s Degree in English from Curry College. While there, she completed and presented her undergraduate thesis “Therapeutic Writing: A Remedy for Understanding and Transforming Life Experiences” under advisor Dr. Allan G. Hunter, author of Therapeutic Uses of Writing.
Most recently, Brittany has written wellness articles for Belly Dance New England. Her “Coin for Thought” writing series, based on her YouTube series of the same name, is forthcoming in Fanoos Magazine.
She works with women who want to rediscover their uninterrupted selves through a sensory-based yoga therapy program by using handwriting and coin scarves as tools to cultivate a sense of confidence, safety, and wholeness without self-judgment. To say hello or learn about an initial complimentary yoga therapy session, visit her at understoryyogatherapy.com.
