Reflection
Got excited at a light
because I thought the car next to me
was purple
but it was just mine
reflecting back.
Like falling for the first person
who smiles at you in rehab.
My ex husband used to say
that everyone gets gay on cocaine
but that was just an us thing.
All those decades
I’ve lost hiding.
Even here
in West Hollywood
where meet me at the gay bar
at the intersection of Santa Monica
and San Vicente
is not specific enough.
Came out with a whisper
just in time to be a crime.
Now that I might not
be able to marry?
I might want to.
Becoming doesn’t feel good–
why is it supposed to?
It’s like my AA friend Victor once said
when I was smoking weed
& going to meetings
resentful at Zoom squares
I’d never meet
including him.
“The problem is, you’re fabulous
and not everyone is.”
How can I be gay when men
are the only
people
who’ve ever been nice to me?
This didn’t matter
in my pothead space suit–
keeping those layers
between me
and everyone
–gave me permission
to secretly watch lesbian porn
and slam the laptop shut
shaking from shame
& relief.
One of the many times I quit cigarettes
I turned to my dog and said
“this is our new unsatisfied life.”
Only the most narrow perimeters
of change are possible and allowable
I stole that from a famous lesbian.
The first 90 days weed free:
Month one: zero sleep
Month two: only sleep
Month three: the most annoying person
you’ve ever met.
I made a list of ten things
I like about me
there are only two things on it.
An AA tattoo was the only thing
permanent
about my sobriety.
But at least I know
who I see in the mirror.
*
Rebecca Rush (she/they) is a queer, autigender writer and neurodivergent peer support coach from New England, currently residing in LA. Her work has been published in numerous journals and anthologies, including Surreal Confessional Anthology, Rock Salt Journal, and Arc Poetry Magazine. The Los Angeles Poetry Society recently featured them. They hold a B.A. in English Literature with a Concentration in Creative Writing from the University of Connecticut. She currently blogs at TheLoudestGirlintheCorner.Substack.com
