Reflection by Rebecca Rush

Reflection

Got excited at a light
because I thought the car next to me
was purple
but it was just mine
reflecting back.

Like falling for the first person
who smiles at you in rehab.

My ex husband used to say
that everyone gets gay on cocaine
but that was just an us thing.

All those decades
I’ve lost hiding.

Even here
in West Hollywood
where meet me at the gay bar
at the intersection of Santa Monica
and San Vicente
is not specific enough.

Came out with a whisper
just in time to be a crime.

Now that I might not
be able to marry?

I might want to.

Becoming doesn’t feel good–
why is it supposed to?

It’s like my AA friend Victor once said
when I was smoking weed
& going to meetings
resentful at Zoom squares
I’d never meet
including him.

“The problem is, you’re fabulous
and not everyone is.”

How can I be gay when men
are the only
people
who’ve ever been nice to me?

This didn’t matter
in my pothead space suit–
keeping those layers
between me
and everyone
–gave me permission
to secretly watch lesbian porn
and slam the laptop shut
shaking from shame
& relief.

One of the many times I quit cigarettes
I turned to my dog and said
“this is our new unsatisfied life.”

Only the most narrow perimeters
of change are possible and allowable

I stole that from a famous lesbian.

The first 90 days weed free:
Month one: zero sleep
Month two: only sleep
Month three: the most annoying person
you’ve ever met.

I made a list of ten things
I like about me
there are only two things on it.

An AA tattoo was the only thing
permanent

about my sobriety.

But at least I know
who I see in the mirror.

*

Rebecca Rush (she/they) is a queer, autigender writer and neurodivergent peer support coach from New England, currently residing in LA. Her work has been published in numerous journals and anthologies, including Surreal Confessional Anthology, Rock Salt Journal, and Arc Poetry Magazine. The Los Angeles Poetry Society recently featured them. They hold a B.A. in English Literature with a Concentration in Creative Writing from the University of Connecticut. She currently blogs at TheLoudestGirlintheCorner.Substack.com

An Urn Among Music Boxes by Tom Hunley

An Urn Among Music Boxes

I.

My dad is made of balsa wood.
He’s wider than he is tall,
taller than he is deep.

On his face, you can read
“Footprints,” the sentimental poem
that everyone’s mom sticks on the fridge.

My dad has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
Roundup® from the farm next door infected him.
First an allergic reaction to meds
made his tongue swell up, gave him a rash.
Then came tests. Then came the diagnosis.

In the hospital, he couldn’t talk
except by spelling on a board.
A machine breathed for him.
He ate through a tube in his nose.

If you open him up and turn the key
inoffensive music should come out.
It’s my task to open him up, turn the key,

and listen, knowing the music will wind down.

II.

I guess I retire from Walmart
my dad wrote from his hospital bed,
but nothing could make him quit

flea markets, so here we are
my sisters and I, lifting boxes
arranging inventory on tables

like kids again doing whatever Dad says—
hard work but also a cakewalk
started and stopped by the rhythmic

orders coming from Dad’s still-damaged voice.

III.

Last night, in the deep fog on 234E,
two deer galloped in front of my car
and I had to swerve to miss them

as Lou Reed music set my stereo reeling.

IV.

Test each music box, my dad says.
If there’s no music, don’t put it on the table.
If the glass is broken, don’t put it on the table.

Dad, this one’s not a music box.
It’s an urn. It has instructions
on the bottom for storing ashes

and no music comes out.
My dad says Morticians charge
bank for those. $5 per music box.

$10 for the urn. My dad’s a music box.
My sisters and I are music boxes, too.

When the music stops, someone will land in the urn.

V.

At 8am, a vendor, crossing the street
to get something from her car
gets hit by a vehicle going 50mph.

I hear it and hope it isn’t my car
getting hit. Then I hear Ohmigod
and Get up, Mama, and minutes later

a lady holding a coffee maker
asks Will you take $3?
and my dad takes her money as

his friend Shawn directs traffic,
and an ambulance comes
as does a helicopter like the one

that airlifted my dad two months ago
and a teenage girl, trying to figure out
which music box to have her boyfriend

buy for her opens several boxes
at once and there’s this cacophony
of chimes and my dad says

Quit standing around, son. We’ve got work to do.

*

Tom Hunley’s latest books are Adjusting to the Lights (winner of the 2020 Rattle Chapbook Prize) and What Feels Like Love: New and Selected Poems (C&R Press 2021).