Bitch

               “Better Bitch Than Mouse”
               ~ Ruth Bader Ginsberg

The Cancer Care Center is on the third floor
of a four-story rectangular prism on 3rd Street
whose overflow parking lot faces a food pantry
where we often see a line of the Phoenix hungry
and Christopher holds my hand as we walk toward
the building I have grown to loathe even though
the receptionist, Mike, is nice, slightly droll,
as he snaps another plastic I.D. bracelet around my wrist,
even though we tagged my young blond doctor Boy Genius
on the first meeting, even though the nurses flutter around
the big-windowed mini-gymnasium of pleather chairs
like angels, even though there are photos of dogs
in party hats dangling from strings and a wide basket
of packaged snacks like Chips Ahoy and Rice
Crispy Treats and they offer us cold water bottles
and warm blankets and there are big screens
blathering home decorating shows from the wall
and a glass display case of wigs and hats and bras
for sale in the entry and a view from our chairs
of flat rooftops surrounded by a panorama of desert
mountains.           It is 2025, in the fire-hot summer
month of the sturgeon full moon, and I hate it more
every time I swim in to strike another bargain
with death; all of us have. We never knew we’d end
up here together: the young woman sleeping fetal
position in a chair, old man in a hillbilly beard
and baggy jeans, dude in a basketball uniform.
We are bald, patchy haired, or capped in turbans.
We are nauseous or munching on free processed crap.
Or we (i.e. me) are bitchy, questioning each shot,
each treatment and the garbage pail of side effects,
my partner growing weary of my boat rocking,
asking, can’t you just trust the doctors? to which I snap NO.
My therapist affirms anger as a necessary grief stage
and I say fury and I say I know I can be a bitch
and I say it’s hard to be one’s highest self when things
are hard and she says our higher self doesn’t mean sweet
and she says BITCH is an acronym for Babe In Total Charge
of Herself                      and I breathe.

*

Self Portrait as Patient

I pop half a Xanax before my appointment,
but it doesn’t really help. I am not a drug person

and my oncologist wears bright orange Nikes
as he makes his rounds, smiles and waves
at me in my corner chair next to the exit

where I can be invisible, yet scope the room
while clear chemicals enter my veins through tangled tubes

and they call this drip an infusion and the rules
post-chemo are no kissing or exchanging bodily fluids

for three days and to launder all linens and clothes in hot water.
I      pop      half      a      Xanax      before      my      appointments

so I can be invisible, close my eyes and disappear.
My one-positive-affirmation-a-day calendar
recently read: “I can do hard things,”

to which I replied, “fuck you.” I don’t want to do any more
hard things. I want peace and ease and to eat dessert after every meal.

*

Susan Vespoli is a poet from Arizona who believes in the power of writing to heal. Her poems have appeared in ONE ART: a journal of poetry, The New Verse News, Rattle, and other cool spots. She is the author of four books of poetry and teaches Wild Writing for 27 Powers and writers.com. Susan Vespoli – Author, Poet