Tag: Carolynn Kingyens

The Mantra of a Teratoma by Carolynn Kingyens

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The Mantra of a Teratoma

“Emptiness and boredom:
what a complete understatement.
What I felt was complete desolation.
Desolation, despair and boredom.”
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

I knew a woman once
who had absorbed
her embryonic, parasitic twin
while in utero
to show up decades later
masquerading as a brain tumor
on a brain scan
before revealing its true
albeit grotesque identity
to a gaggle of neurosurgeons
who’d gathered round
her open, egg-like skull
as they peered down
in total awe
at this little, shiny ball of fetal flesh
covered in random sprouts
of human hair, teeth,
and bone.

They call this thing,
this medical monstrosity,
a teratoma,
some mystical malady
ending in the scary suffix— “oma,”
joining the ranks
among the other omas:
melanoma, lymphoma, glaucoma,
sarcoma, carcinoma — oma
meaning abnormal growths.

Those of us who are
either too damaged
by life, by love,
or the lack thereof
morph into relational
“omas” of our own;
these walking,
human-husk monsters
eating the essence
of twin flames,
filling the internal,
howling void.

A Gen-Z philosopher
on YouTube
points to the power
of detachment —
the way of the stoic,
and every morning
I stare at the stranger
in the mirror
reciting a mantra
like some childish game
of Bloody Mary:

Observe, don’t absorb.

Master the pause.

Starve the drama.

*

Carolynn Kingyens was born and raised in Northeast Philadelphia, where the red brick row houses were prone to chronic leaks. She has authored two books of poetry, Before The Big Bang Makes A Sound, and Coupling. In addition to poetry, Carolynn writes essays, reviews, and short fiction. She writes on a myriad of topics ranging from pop culture to true crime on Medium.

Carolynn’s third book of poetry, Lost In The Bardo, is due out in 2025. American Poet, Peter Campion, writes:

“I don’t know of another book of poetry that portrays middle age with the blend of humor and deep emotion that distinguishes Carloynn Kingyens’ Lost in the Bardo. In vivid high res, these poems combine spiky wit and acute observation with the vulnerable openness of a voice “forever searching.” Contemporary poetry is larger and more alive for this superb collection.”

What has Become of the First Marriage by Carolynn Kingyens

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What has Become of the First Marriage

Whenever I see a mature-looking couple,
between early-to-mid sixties,
walking hand-in-hand with that obnoxious
look of late, middle age love,
I immediately know, stronger
than suspicion, that this is a second marriage,
possibly, a third.

Their bodies, still spry,
with the exception of their backs
now weary and slightly leaning
into the semblance
of a cursive C.

It’s at the garish, fluorescent-lit diner,
known for their early bird specials,
where I spot them next;
sitting side-by-side in the same
maroon-colored polyurethane-pleather
booth reminding me, for a moment,
of that yellow-tinged photograph
from a history book
back in middle school
of a pioneering couple,
sitting side-by-side as the husband
mans a dust-covered wagon
while his wife holds a long,
double barrel shotgun
across her lap during the era
of the California Gold Rush.

I ponder, wondering why
they just can’t sit across
from each other like the rest
of us disgruntled, cynical couples
well-seasoned in realism and romance,
knowing full well the value
of separate booths and bedrooms;
the value of personal space.

Perhaps we can blame it on
raising multiple children
notwithstanding the later care
of elderly parents
before the unexpected crash
and subsequent depletion
of your Roth IRA and 401K,
and our failure to launch,
rage-filled man-child, who’d turn us
prematurely gray in our thirties,
and who still keeps us
up at night with endless worry.

This is the kind of tumult
that depletes and desolates
first marriages into abysmal
shreds.

It’s as if some imaginary, sci-fi
vortex has sucked every
ounce of lust and desire
clean from the depths
of our loins, leaving our love
cagey and bone-dry.

Now when you reach out
your retired, manicured
hand across the tabletop;
across the universe;
it feels oddly foreign
and cold as a dead fish
with that thousand-yard
glaucoma-cloudy gaze,
finally yielding to its fate.

*

Carolynn Kingyens was born and raised in Northeast Philadelphia. She is the author of two poetry collections, BEFORE THE BIG BANG MAKES A SOUND and Coupling, both published by Kelsay Books. In addition to poetry, she writes short fiction and narrative essays. Two of her short stories were selected for Best of Fiction 2021 and 2023 by Across the Margin, a Brooklyn arts & culture webzine. The audio version of the stories are available on Apple Podcasts and on Spotify. And two of her essays, “There’s A Tiffany In Every Dysfunctional Family” (about the youngest sister of David and Amy Sedaris) and “How Creative Resilience Saved Me From Childhood Trauma” were recently republished by YourTango, a large, female-led NYC publisher. You can read some of her narrative essays on Medium, where she dives into a myriad of topics from The Royal Family to true crime.

Atrocities by Carolynn Kingyens

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Atrocities

Hell, he said,
was not a caliente inferno
for demons and lost souls,
but the act
of being completely alone —
Thoreau-style solitude,
in the wilderness
of our own minds
and past lives;
again and again
we are forced to watch
as if held down
by the hand of God,
our atrocities animated
against loved ones.

I was somewhere
between buzzed
and drunk,
sitting inside his
silver sports car
in our parents’ driveway
where we were talking
about hell and damnation
of all things,
not quite sure if I was
making sense.

It felt awkward
to sit next to him,
alone,
without the familiar
distractions
of our loud, big family —
he in-between girlfriends
and I at home
for the weekend
without the company
of my husband,
but with the company
of my dog.

The glowing-red ember
of his cigarette
burned on and on
and on.

*

Carolynn Kingyens is the author of Before the Big Bang Makes a Sound and the newly released Coupling, available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble (Brooklyn), McNally Jackson, and Book Culture. In addition to poetry, Kingyens writes essays, book and film reviews, flash fiction and short stories. Her short story “Bye-Bye, Miss American Pie” was one of fifteen stories selected by Across the Margin, a Brooklyn arts and culture webzine, for their Best of Fiction 2021 list.