Filing
I finally
Put my dad’s
Funeral service sheet
In the recycling bin
It was so inadequate
Seemed the best place for it
Going through old files on a shelf
I realised I no longer had space
For something that reduced a life so rich
To a shopping list
In holding on
Shame had got stuck between the pages
Spilled out all over my younger self
Who had written it
The best she knew how at the time
Now there it was on my shelf
Magnetising shame
Accumulating an ugly pile
Bending the poor shelf
Beneath its weight
Much better to prise apart the pages
To see that shame
Should really be anger and sadness
That I and he were let down
By people who could have done better
Shame is a shapeshifter in the light
*
Kate Howlett is a writer and social ecologist based in Cambridge, UK. She lives with a snake called Luisa, a giant African land snail called Carrot and a cat called Steve. She writes about nature, grief, self-discovery and the toxicity of daughterhood. She holds a PhD in zoology from the University of Cambridge, where her academic research focused on exploring children’s relationship with the natural world. She writes a Substack newsletter called Natural Connection about fixing our broken relationship with nature and often shares her poems via Notes.
Good to let go sometimes – speaking from experience. I think shame is one of the most toxic emotions. I appreciate this poem.